5 Effective and Loving Ways to Discipline Your Child Part 4: The Hassle Timer
Updated 11-3-20
What do you do when your child just isn’t listening to you? I’m excited to share today’s effective and loving way to discipline: the hassle timer. It’s another one we learned from Danny Silk, and it is my absolute favorite tool to use because it’s perfect for on-the-go or in the car.
The “hassle timer” is where we allow our children to do the things that are a hassle for us. For example, we’re driving and the kids get upset and start yelling at each other. I’ll say, “Hey guys, it’s a hassle for me when you guys yell instead of talk to each other. Are you sure you want to keep yelling?” Sometimes, I’ll say something like, “Are you able to calm down, or do you need me to help you talk through this?” If the problem doesn’t get resolved that simply, I’ll just let them keep yelling, but I’ll let them know the hassle timer is running. As long as it’s not dangerous, let them continue yelling or doing whatever it is that you don’t want them to do. You just keep an eye on the time, and let it rack up. Let’s say it takes them two minutes to calm down. They now have two minutes of hassle time.
How does hassle time work? Later on, when they’re getting ready to do something really fun, you stop them and say, “Oh no! Remember you have two minutes of hassle time from earlier. Go ahead and have a seat and when the two minutes is up, you can go play.” The hassle time is subtracted from the time they could have spent doing something they value.
For example, we let them them pay back hassle time when they were going to watch a T.V. show. We start the show, but they have to stay in another room in the no fun chair until two minutes of the show has passed. This works better than just taking away two minutes of screen time in general, which wouldn’t have as big of an impact on them because it’s too abstract.
If they come out of the chair during hassle time, the time starts over. One important key with this is to keep your tone really calm; they are learning and this is a good thing! “Oh no, you came out of the chair, your time needs to start over now, go ahead and get back in.”
While they’re doing their hassle time in the chair, it’s important to keep an eye on them to see if they’re starting to think that what they did is who they are. This is what shame is. If you notice by their countenance that this is happening, take a moment to go to them and say, “What you did was a hassle, but you are not a hassle. I love you so much, I love to be around you, I can’t wait for you to be able to come out of this chair and be with us again.”
One of our kids had racked up 22 minutes of hassle time, which is very rare. Usually, they come right away, because they don’t like a lot of hassle time. We started the show in the other room, then had him sit at the dinner table where he could hear his sister watching, but he couldn’t watch any of the show.
The hassle time works great for kids who have more of an understanding of time. It won’t work well with kids who don’t really understand time. I usually start using it when kids are four or five years old. Another thing to keep in mind is the younger the child is; the sooner they need to pay the hassle time back, or they’ll forget why they have hassle time in the first place. The best time to repay it is as soon as possible after the hassle happens.
We love this tool because it is practical for circumstances that have nothing to do with physical pain. They’re learning that their choices can cost them time and opportunity, which is one of the hardest and most important lessons for children to learn!