5 Effective and Loving Ways to Discipline Your Child Part 1: Exchanging Time
Updated 9-23-2020
My wife Lauren and I are passionate about the topic of loving discipline, and we believe it is empowering to both the parent and the child. Proverbs 13:24 says, “A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them” (MSG). We do not believe that discipline has to be a disconnecting, frustrating, or a shameful experience for you or your child, and we do not believe that is what God wants either.
Discipline can be a controversial topic, so we want to take a moment to ease into this together and make sure we are all on the same page. To us, discipline is nothing more than teaching kids there are consequences for their choices. This is an act of kindness to our children! If we teach them now, they will not have to learn the hard way later. In this five part blog series, you will find ways to actually connect with your children through discipline.
I’d like to start off by explaining why I think spanking isn’t always the best tool. The point behind discipline is to teach our children to make better choices, right? We want our children to be equipped to make excellent choices throughout their life so they can navigate themselves and others without having someone help them steer all the time. We start delegating power to children to make choices very early on.
When our children were babies, for example, we would let them help dress themselves. I would hold up their pants and shirt, and I’d ask them which they wanted first. They couldn’t talk yet, so I’d wait for them to acknowledge one of their choices with their eyes, and then I’d put that one on them.
Our kids don’t always make decisions quickly. Our daughter learned quickly that if she hesitates too long, someone else will step in. If someone else has to make a decision for her, she may not like it as much. Choices have consequences. Not making choices also has consequences.
Now, it’s not that we don’t believe in spanking - of course we do (unless you live in a country where it’s illegal). It’s just the last of many tools we’d reach for in our tool belt. If my son took my keys and tried to drive my car, he would get a spanking. If the situation of him trying to drive my car had escalated, his consequence would be physical pain, because at his age, he would crash the car and get hurt. The consequence resembles real life circumstances and will help him learn that if he makes those types of choices it causes physical pain. If spanking is the only consequence your children receive, it doesn’t mirror real life. If you lie to the IRS, you don’t experience physical pain - it’s financial pain. If you show up late to a job interview, it won’t physically hurt you, but you may miss a great opportunity. Keep your consequences as realistic as possible. Try letting them lose time, money, or opportunities next time the circumstances fit.
One consequence that we’ve used with our kids is exchanging time. Our family has an evening routine we do every night: teeth, potty, pajamas, books, bed. Our children love book time. They love book time so much that they would rather read books than play on the iPad. Sometimes when we are in the middle of our evening routine, they would rather do other things. When this happens, we tell them, “It’s teeth time right now. You are welcome to keep playing with your toys, but it will mean you have less book time.” We give them a little while to come brush their teeth, but, if it takes more than a minute, we tell them they just lost one of their books. It only happened once that our children lost all four of their books and had to go to bed without being read to. Since then, they pretty much keep moving through their routine on their own.
Instead of seeing discipline as punishment we see it as guidance. If our kids learn that we want to help them solve a problem and choose the consequence they want, our bond is strengthened. They do not fear us as punishers but instead see us as compassionate, loving and connecting voices in their struggle to learn. Despite the consequences, they know we still love and want to connect to them no matter what. This is a powerful experience for both parent and child, and it creates true win-win scenarios where both parents and our children are empowered to thrive!